Royal Blue

Thoughts of a writer, wife, mother, PhD, sister, crafty chick, program coordinator, homeowner, culture vulture, bibliophile, and blogger.
Wednesday, January 15, 2003
Timing is Everything

Should we buy a new house and move before the baby comes or sit tight for awhile and wait for the right house to open up in our neighborhood? Should I start looking for another job or wait until well after my maternity leave and we're settled with the new baby...not to mention Ed settled in his new job (which he will hopefully find this spring).

I think the answer is yes...and no. I like to keep my options open, but at the same time, wait for the timing to be right and trust it will all happen as it should. I think the answer is "one thing at at time." The first thing really ought to be to help Ed land a full-time teaching job and then pursue our other goals as it makes sense to do so.

I guess I answered my own question. Wait on finding a new job UNLESS the perfect thing comes along and I can apply and say "What the hell," and the same with a new house. There's so much still to love about my current job and our current house. Enjoy them while we can. Keep our options open, but don't stress out.

Yes, that's it. It's just like my favorite Rilke quote about "living the questions" of your life thoroughly and one day you'll be living the answers. That has always worked for me. Always.

Tuesday, January 14, 2003
Happy Birthday to Me!

It's a great day for my birthday--it's a beautiful sunny and crisp winter day. I had lunch with two fun girlfriends, my husband brought me flowers to my office (ok, I did hint), we've got a babysitter for tonight and reservations at a nice restaurant, and I've gotten some great bday wishes.

The baby woke me up this morning with a regular "poke, poke, poke" in my side at the same place--must have been a happy birthday jig I had Ed put his hand on my side so he could feel it, too. I'm happy to be having my last baby at age 37!

When we started trying for a family in three and half years ago we wanted to be able to get two kids born before I got too much older. So far so good!

Monday, January 13, 2003
What's haunting me

I think the fact that I'm preggers is the reason that this story about the missing pregnant woman really haunts me. It's tragic to think of the baby nursery waiting in her house for a baby and his mama who are both missing and difficult to imagine what may have happened to this woman.

Of course, it's also tragic to think about my cousin's 6 year-old-son who was diagnosed with a serious kidney problem that may be life-long and what about the hundreds of children and babies who are neglected and abused? It's painful to think about any and all of this.

As George Eliot pointed out in her novel Middlemarch, we can't "hear the heartbeat of every squirrel" for we couldn't live our lives holding on to the grief and attention we would give to every single injustice in the universe.

At the same time, I am aware of "compassion burnout" as my former minister called it--when we just can't summon up the emotions for yet another crisis or tragedy in the world around us.

But there's got to be a balance--a way to improve the world from our little corner while not being paralyzed by grief or indifference in this self-destructive and uncertain society we live in. I'm still trying to figure it out myself. Sure, raising children to be thoughtful, careful citizens on this planet is one important way I can do this, but there's got to be something else I can do in addition to what I am already doing.

My in-laws spend their energy as retirees on issues related to ecology and preserving the natural world--they don't just say they care about the health of the planet, they show it in the ways they spend their time on conversation boards and volunteering for nature preserves and zoos, etc. They even purchased 60 acres of land to preserve it forever from development and they report violations by developers to the DNR. I really admire them.

They gave us a videotape on "everyday toxins" and children. Ed and I plan to watch it, but part of me doesn't want to live my life every day in fear of my child's health. Yet I want to be educated. I'm on a quest for balance about all of these issues. It's not easy, but it's really important to me.


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